Dr. Lalia Rach, Founder Rach Enterprises, interviewed by David Kong

Dr. Rach shares highlights of her Amazon Best Seller "Managing The Book on You" including the need to communicate who we have become, advocating for self, correcting first impressions, embracing our uniqueness, jumping to conclusions, the contagion of mediocrity, fear of failing, finding inspiration, and shifting from the public us to the private us. Dr. Rach also comments on Carol Burnett's quote - "Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me."

Transcript

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David Kong 0:02

Greetings. I'm David Kong, the founder and principal of D E I advisors. We are a nonprofit organization dedicated to personal empowerment. Today I'm delighted to welcome Dr. Lalia Rack. She's an accomplished corporate executive educator, entrepreneur, executive coach, and Amazon bestseller author. In my previous role, I have worked with Lalia on several occasions. She's helped us with facilitating meetings, providing training, and also as a very accomplished speaker. Delighted to have you, Lalia.

Lalia Rach 0:38

Thank you, David. I'm just thrilled to be with you. It's been a while since I've seen you, so this is just lovely.

David Kong 0:44

Thank you. It's great to have you. Now, Lalia, your book, managing a book on you became Amazon bestseller, seemingly overnight, and I have the chance to read the book. I love it. It's chock full of good advice, insights, and you also have a lot of personal stories and quotes in a book, which I really like. But what I particularly liked about the book was the workbook. It makes you reflect on the lessons. and makes you establish a plan so you can really take that advice and training and take it to the next step. I just absolutely love that. Makes the book very useful. Thank you. So thank you for doing that. I'm gonna talk about the book with you, and in the first chapter of the book, you talk about the fact that it's important for us to think about who we are and who we have become. And it's important to correct any past impressions that are no longer true. Would you mind to elaborate on that?

Lalia Rach 1:47

First of all, David, thank you. And I'm very proud. I did in fact reach bestselling status in four business categories. And I had, when you start a journey, it doesn't matter what journey. You never know all the stuff that's at the end of what you think is the end of the journey. And so I had no idea about publishing and all that. We'll talk about that another time. David you mentioned I've been an executive coach and I have for at least two decades, if not more than that. And in that time I realized there was. A part of our professional development that we all were ignoring if you were, and if we weren't ignoring it actively, we just weren't thinking about it. And so in writing, in, in doing my coaching, I began to talk to people about taking control of their narrative. And so it was really from that, that one, in fact, a person that I Coached said to me, why don't you write a book on this? And I thought you know what? She's right, And it really was the impetus for it. But the idea, David, is that we mature and develop as leaders, but other people's view of us may be stuck in. 20 years ago, for an example they could be stuck 10 years. It doesn't matter. But we all do that and so I began to think about that as managing your own book. And it allowed me to have a framework for the ideas that I have that leaders and professionals should take control of. And that's really the impetus for the book.

David Kong 3:38

That's wonderful. Yeah. It's it's about taking charge of our own destiny. And I love this book because our show is about self-empowerment and your book provides so many wonderful advice on how to do that effectively. So thank you. And in, in that chapter, you actually used the Andy Grove approach. Tell us about that.

Lalia Rach 3:59

Andy Grove is the past CEO of Intel. The chip maker, and when he would be faced with a difficult decision, David, the best way for him to then approach that decision without emotion and cluttering it all up, was to ask himself what would my successor do? And he very clearly, and I'm not quoting him I'm, but he very clearly felt that. allowed him to think differently, to have a different perspective. So one of the things when I talk about, changing the impression that other people have of you is really understanding your evaluations. So whether they're a 360, it doesn't matter to me what the evaluation is and my point is you've got to really look at them differently. And so what I'm suggesting is modifying that Andy Grove approach to say, what would I tell a colleague if their assessment were mine so that you can step away from yourself. because sometimes what happens in, in the assessment is you begin to argue, if you will, whether you're arguing with yourself or whether you're arguing with your head of HR or whether you're arguing with your boss because you don't agree with the assessment. And I'm, when I tell my clients is, it isn't that you agree or disagree, it's that you can think about it without all that emotion. And so if a trusted colleague of yours, the assessment was X, Y, and z. how would you suggest they think about that? What would you suggest they do about it? How should they approach it? And I found myself when I did that. So one of the things I can say to anybody who reads the book, I just don't give advice. I actually take it now some advice I'm better at taking than others but I'll be very frank, but the Andy Grove, when I modified that, I could really look at my assessments differently instead of either, getting a big head or getting, I wanted to argue the point I could think about it. And that's the G first goal is really understanding how others view you. And so that's the approach I suggest. I

David Kong 6:42

love it. And coincidentally, I didn't know. It's an Andy Grove approach, I'm a big fan of Arne Sorensen, and oftentimes I would ask myself, what would Arne Sorensen do in this situation? But you are right. Sometimes we get too emotional because we take things personally. And we take things personally because we take a lot of pride in what we do. So to remove all the emotion, And take a third party clinical approach. There is very good advice. Thanks for sharing that.

Lalia Rach 7:12

My pleasure.

David Kong 7:13

Now, as an immigrant, and I know a lot of women and other minority groups feel the same way. We've always, tend to be self-effacing. Like my parents used to tell me, head down, work hard, do a good job, and the rest would take care of itself. I had to find out a hard way. It doesn't work that way, And, in the early stages of my career I tended to be, just self-effacing and not advocate for myself. And I tend not to ask people to advocate for me. I just tend to keep a low profile. And also I tend to berate myself when things don't go right because I'm such a perfectionist. So what's your advice on

Lalia Rach 7:55

that? And what you're talking about are the acculturation lessons that, everybody gets acculturation lessons, but I think you've hit a nail on the head of something that's very much a part of, if you're a first generation, if you are a woman, It is the idea of don't be heard. Be seen, but don't be heard. Another thing that I would hear when I was young is just be a good girl. Now, I never really knew what that meant, and I was not good at it, so I'm gonna tell you that. But the idea is that if you blow your own horn, in essence, that's not a good thing. And what I try to say to people is no. Wait a minute. Are you willing to very quickly take the negative? Are you willing to accept, okay, I failed. I didn't do well. It's not my team's fault, it's my fault, and most of us are very tuned to do that. but for whatever reason, we simply will not do the opposite, which is if you do a good job acknowledging it, accepting it, I am not suggesting you have to get a big head, but there is nothing wrong with knowing what you've done well, and I think it's, you do have to talk to, if you'll allow me that voice in your head, which many times is our parent. Excuse me. And many times it's our parents or our grandparents and we all, I think, want as children to be thought well by them. I don't think that goes through our minds, but it does follow us in through the workplace we are not part of What is the defined leadership archetype, and what do I mean by that? Primarily it is white men. And that does not mean white men should not be leaders. But it's very interesting how we feel we have to qualify, oh, that's a woman, that, that book is for women, that's for women leaders. Or that book speaks to the immigrant leadership experience. And I, I. I, I don't surprise you, but I think that's a bunch of hooey because I think, again, what they're trying to do is put us in categories, all those of us who do not fit the archetype. So I had a very dear friend who is a professional, a highly successful business owner, and she said to me, oh my gosh, this is such a good book for women leaders. And I said really, who else do you see it for? She said I think it's for women. I said, see, I disagree with you. I will tell you it is written in the female voice because of who I am and most of our leadership books are written and I can even go this far and say in the white male voice, and I've read tons of them. I can't even tell you how many I never read and thought that's not for me. And so what I'm trying to say to people is recognize, you don't have to accept what was written for you at y at younger years. You don't have to accept I never throw out. And I'm sure you don't either, David. I never throw away what my family taught me. it's very dear to me. It me it is some of the underpinnings of who I am, but there are things I do not agree with. And I, one of them is that I should know my place well. I wanna make my own place. I, and that's, again, not thinking I'm better than anyone else. I just think I should always try. And so I don't know if that answers your question. I'm not trying to circumvent it at all, David, but I do think we have to be aware as mature professionals that sometimes the messages in our head aren't right. No,

David Kong 12:16

that's so true. And we have to really take some time and reflect on that point. And that leads to the second question which is, A lot of people judge the book by its cover. So first impression matters, and we don't want to appear to be overbearing or arrogant, but we also want to appear to be confident. So how do you correct the inaccurate perceptions that people may have of us?

Lalia Rach 12:45

I think the first thing is, I always say don't jump to a conclusion because they've jumped to a conclusion. Because that's usually what happens in our first impressions. We all carry biases. I don't care who we are. Some of us are more aware that we carry bias and of a certain type, and so we try to, if you will, tamp it down and think differently. And really all I'm talking about is perspective and. I, for an example I'm and you'll see in the book, I do use a lot of. Examples that I have experienced gone through, and the reason I do that is again, I'm not somebody who just writes about what could or should happen to other people. I want them to understand that I've dealt not with terrible, horrible things, but I've dealt with issues to do with my being a leader. And so I'm hopeful that two things, maybe there's a nugget in the story you can learn from and or you think of your own story because this is managing the book on you not managing the book on Layla, first of all. So one of the things I think about is what is my first impression and how do people take that? And there are some things that I know. because I've thought about it. I've talked to trusted colleagues. I've asked my bosses. I'm not afraid to hear what other people think because I can decide how much of it is true and how much of it is their bias. But I really have to think about it. And then once I see there's some, oh, they're taking my confidence and they think I. Oh, full of it, if you will. Or that I think I walk on water or something and then I can take that and say, okay, this is pretty normal because I'm a confident person. Here's how I'm going to talk to people after the first impression. And I'm never afraid to say, if it's my team for an example. because I do have expectations for myself and for others, but I feel my job is to make clear my expectations. And so I'm gonna talk about that. I'm gonna talk about why I have expectations. See, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna put some context, if you will, around the. I'm not, I'm, if I know there is a misconception about me, I'm gonna decide is it best for me to address it right then and there, or do I need a moment to step back? And so I'll do it another time because I don't wanna be confrontational about it. And I, so I don't wanna take it personally, and I'm very serious about that. I somebody else's bias. Is not for me to take on, I can only offer a different perspective on what they've seen. And that's what I'm talking about because I do think if your first impression is off times misinterpreted, you have to be actively changing that because it'll take on a life of its own. And in fact, people I've coached I coached and this happened to be a woman leader. And man, this woman was, oh my God, she was whip smart and she was confident and it was interpreted. as real hubris as she didn't listen to anybody. And part of that reason is because in her confidence she would listen and then ask questions. She just wouldn't accept it, and I, she didn't even, the way she asked the question would be heard very harshly. And so she ignored that. She told me she didn't care, and I told her. I think you're doing yourself a great disservice because I know for a fact that people who are new to the company, even if they don't work for you, are told about you and what's told is this mistaken first impression. and I said, so you are allowing that almost to become mythic, within the company. It was amazing to me because when I coach people, just so people understand how I knew, I do a series of interviews and I ask the same questions and one of them has to do with first impression. And it's amazing what people will tell you. Beyond just so what was your first impression? And they, it was stunning to me and I talked to quite a few people. It's not just two or three people and it was Almost universal that I make sure to tell other people how she is

David Kong 17:58

Yeah, so true. I've talked to a lot of people who have done the 360 where they get an assessment from their boss and peers and subordinates, and the results surprise them because they are so many inaccurate perceptions out there. And you're right it's important for us to understand. why people have those inaccurate perceptions and go about correcting it. thanks for sharing that lesson, but talk about jumping to conclusions. You talked about bias earlier and we all have them. And you have a framework to make sure that we don't fall into that trap. And I love this framework. It's called a good, the bad and the ugly. Tell us about it.

Lalia Rach 18:37

I developed this framework because I realized, my incredible ability to jump to a conclusion, to leap to a conclusion, to make an assumption. I was a world class, I'm telling you. And I saw what it did to my own career projection. And so I thought Layla, you've gotta understand this better. And so I did research and then I developed this framework, and what did I learn? There are good assumptions and just don't even worry about 'em. And a good assumption is, the light's red. I better stop. I don't need it to be proven to me. I know it for a fact. And there are others like that you just naturally accept. though it doesn't matter. Then there are the bad assumptions. I assume something is true, whether it is or not, because I like it because it supports what I believe. And so when I do that, and we, you know where we do this really a lot with the, it's a bad assumption. We do it with people, our employees, our colleagues, and people we like. We will make assumptions about their ability that we have no proof for, and people we work with and we direct and we have colleagues that we don't like. We don't even get how they have a job sometimes, because we make again assumptions. Oh, look at her. That kind of thing, and those kinds of assumptions. It's when you have no facts to support what you believe. and we do it as fans of sports. I do it all the time. Cuz I happen to be a big Green Bay Packer fan, and so I'll make an assumption, oh, after one play or one round of, fork downs that the packers are gonna lose. I, I just know they are. See, it's that kind of thing I'm talking about the ones you really, and you have to work on that, but the ones you must become aware of. Are what I call your ugly assumptions, and that assumption trumps any logic. It doesn't matter if I tell you the sky is blue, I don't care. You could beat, you can see, and you still don't believe it. Now you can say to me right now you've made a ridiculous example. Not really, because that's what I'm trying to get leaders and professionals to hear when they just accept something as truth. And where I see this a lot in business, David, is when we have problems that just continue to come back, they're cyclical. And what do we say things? Oh, we're never gonna solve that. Yeah, you're right. If you say that you're absolutely a hundred percent correct. But why? Why are you letting your reason be trumped by something that really isn't true? And we'll say we'll try to use old solutions. on a problem, and then we can't figure out why they don't work. Because see, we're comfortable with that old solution. That's why we use it, even though, and we think we don't have time, we don't, whatever it is, but then we can't figure out why we get what we get. But see we've not used logic nor reason because we just wanna move on. and I use this, just so you know, David, I use this framework all the time because periodically all of a sudden I'll say to myself, now, Layla, why do you believe that? And the minute I say, I don't know, I know I've got an ugly assumption.

David Kong 22:43

Yeah. A lot of times biases become self-fulfilling prophecies and it's really important that we're attuned to it. And your framework is wonderful in making sure we don't fall into that trap. Let's talk about the fact that sometimes minority groups feel like we don't belong. For example, we could be in a room full of white male and we feel like we don't belong. In your book, you talked about embracing our uniqueness. Would you mind to elaborate?

Lalia Rach 23:12

I'm not gonna change who I am, globally, I'm not talking about the things I can work on, but I, for me, I'm talking me. I'm not talking anyone else. I remember the first time I went to I became an ad hoc member of a hotel industry group, and I was an ad hoc member because, I was the host of the nyu development conference, and I went into the room and it was a huge boardroom, enormous, and there had to be I would say there were 40 of us, roughly, and I was the only woman in the room. and I don't believe, I don't wanna be quoted on this part, but I believe it was all white men. I do, I believe I'm pretty confident that didn't happen till later. That there were people of different color and different ethnicities and I real, and so we all sat down at the conference table, David, and it was like there was a secret sing signal that I didn't get. And seriously, like synchronized swimming. They all took their jack, their suit coats off And I was, I'm like, wow. I just, and I couldn't take mine off cuz I had no sleeves on my top and I thought, boy, I wish I had known I would've worn sleeves and I could take, but it was so beautifully done. I'll never forget that. And, Felt uncomfortable. I have to be honest with you I realized that in that moment everything was different about me and that I didn't know the signal. I didn't seriously, to this day, I don't know how they all knew to take it off in concert, and maybe I'm giving him way too much credit, but when you're different, You notice things like that and you try to interpret them and it is hard and that, and other experiences I've had, David made me realize, alright, so you couldn't take your jacket off. You don't fit in, but you still can be a part of that. You don't have to think that you are not capable of being there, that you are not. Good enough to sit at the table. And I remember after, shortly after, I mean I'm, this is in this meeting, I remember shortly after that happened thinking cuz I didn't know how the meeting went at all. And there was a part of the meeting that everybody went around the room and made a statement. And I don't mean we're good, we're, they talked about the industry, they talked about. Something relative trends, the economics, something. And I thought, wow, I, should I talk about my students? Cause I was at NYU and I thought I'll mention 'em, but I'm not gonna make that the point of my convert. And I thought, okay, what am I qualified to talk about? And I thought, Layla, why are you doing this to yourself? You have as much right to be there. You were asked to be there. The other person who is an ad hoc member spoke, I think I might have been second to last for no reason that I know of. I don't even worry about it. And I thought, okay, what do you know? Customer trends, you know them well. And so regardless of the fact that I don't have a hotel brand or a hotel, I can talk about customer trends and that I knew that I was not yet their colleague. If you will, but I knew I could be and it didn't. I have to accept that I was different. Big deal. See, it's not for me to get over, is what I'm saying. It's for them to get over and I don't say that in a fighting way, David. I say it in, I firmly believe I have as much Right experience, knowledge. And that's why I've been asked and I, there I don't, doesn't mean I know everything. I love to ask questions. And so I really did listen to them and I in fact, would ask questions and I would go after the meeting and ask somebody a question. Could you tell me more about that? I found that a different way of looking at it. And it made them more comfortable with me to be very frank with you. But I can't say that I thought that's why I did it. I did it cuz I really wanted to know. But I have always realized that as a leader, I am different and I don't spend a lot of time trying to become like them because I can't be It's just not for me. It's not possible for numbers of reasons. but I can be confident that I should be there.

David Kong 28:10

Yeah. I think the confidence is the first step, and I have actually found myself in that situation that you described many times, And oftentimes I have to remind myself just remember you were invited be at that meeting. That's right. You must have something to offer. So what is that something that you have to offer? Yeah. And besides you've earned the right to be there, so be confident. I very much like what you said in the book, and it's very similar to my personal experience. appreciate you sharing that. Let's talk about one of my favorite chapters, which is about the contagion of mediocrity. Yeah. Sometimes we fall in the rut and we go through the motion, we lose our drive, and we sink into mediocrity. And your chapter talks about how to find our passion again. So would you mind to elaborate?

Lalia Rach 28:59

I believe in inspiration. I mean that I and I think everybody's inspiration is different There are people when they hear a certain type of music or whether it's opera or classical or it hard rock, it doesn't matter. They can transform themselves. They can find parts of their soul that they've not tapped into in a while. There are other people who, when they read a book or like me, I love quotes and they help me. Huh? I can see things differently and I relate in the book that I was fortunate enough to go to Florence and see Michelangelo's statue, David and it. I think very frankly, is one of the most awe-inspiring moments of my life, and it made me think so differently. I can still see, the first time I saw that statue and I just, it took my breath away and I really did a lot of research into it because, if you've been there, they show how the block of marble. Became da, in essence as it transformed. I still don't get that. I have no clue how he, that statue in my mind looked real and so the magnificence of it, I will never, ever understand it for the statue, but I got it for what drives a person. And so one of the things I've often thought about is how I act when I am unhappy with my job, how I act when I'm bored with my job, how I act when I am, think what I'm doing is beneath me. Those are really the times I need inspiration because Tru. The measure of a person is not how well you act when everything's going wonderfully and you're doing what you love of your job. Because I don't care of any job. There are pieces we don't like. Really what tells you about the measure of the person is how they do in the moments of mediocrity because we all face him. And so I really took that time with David to understand. how I could inspire myself. And I reflected back, if you'll let me go just a second on this. I reflected back years in my life when I went from being a bus girl in a restaurant. That's what we were called to being a waitress. and I decided I wanted to be among the best waitresses. So what I did was I watched the three best. I thought, and I mean you had to, what did they do? They always had multiple pens in their pocket. They memorized the menu. They always had a smile on their face, those kind of things. Now, I could do that, but if you work at a busy restaurant during summer and it's in a tourist town, you get some repetitive questions and some of the repetitive questions. Think about it. Do you really think, we're a small town and I realized if that's the way I went at it, I would not be one of the best waitresses. So what I decided to do to inspire myself was to be competitive with myself. I'm highly competitive, so how many tables could I handle? How quickly could I get to tables? How many orders could I memorize without writing down? I, all sorts of different little tricks to keep me motivated because very frankly, there are mundane, very mundane aspects to being a waitress. but I wanted to be the best. And so every shift I found something to motivate myself and I when I, after I saw David and I began to think about this, I thought Layla, you have this in you. You've used it. Sometimes you forget what you need to call upon. And so I realized I, as I began to do research more on David, And I found another quote of him about, how we it's not how high we rise, it's how far we fall when we are mediocre, and how many people we drag with us. And it really resonated with me when I was leading teams that I could either help them be more than they were, or I could drag them down. And so I use that very much, that reality to inspire myself.

David Kong 33:54

that's so true. Love your story. Yeah. And this show is about self-empowerment. I think it starts with finding inspiration and your stories are just magnificent in this regard. And I really like what you said about immersing yourself with things that inspire you. So you get inspired and. then finding a way to challenge yourself, that's great. When you're fall into that rut, sometimes you have to give yourself a new go. Yeah. An aggressive one. So we can do, what inspires you? Do I know what inspired me? Yeah. People like you and people that achieve great things and that excel beyond their means. Those are the people that inspire.

Lalia Rach 34:36

and it's, it is interesting. The reason I asked David is because I'm not always inspired. I think I drive myself crazy. Do you know what I'm saying? I don't mean it like that, but I think knowing what your go-to is, so to speak, when you are not feeling inspired, it can help you get back. Yeah, that's my point in it. Yeah. And I love how you said it's and I also look to have people who I think have done great things, and it's like Michelangelo. I'm never gonna understand how he could do that. I'm serious. I never, but the admiration I have for his ability, and so I get what you're saying. I'd never thought about it like that. Thank you.

David Kong 35:23

Leila, I can talk to you all day long cuz I so enjoy all your insights and advice, but we are coming to the end of the show. So let me tell you about this favorite fault from your book. Only I can change my life. No one can do that for me. Yeah. From Carol Burnett. Can you give us a pounding advice based on that fault?

Lalia Rach 35:45

I think there are a couple of things I would say, it. It's my responsibility. See, I can't put it off on anybody else. And that's why it's managing the book on you. And so what I'm saying to people is make it your book. Know what resonates with, and, but at the end of the day, it goes back to what you started with. And yes, I want people to buy the book. That isn't it, but don't buy it if you're not gonna do the work. because it isn't going to help you because it's in doing the workbook and some of those chapters are, the work is hard and nothing is gonna happen immediately. It's all, it's all incremental change. That's what matters. It's the little shift in your perspective over time that adds up to a greater shift in your perspective. I think you have to own your own book. And I, what good does it do me if I'm not willing then to do the work on it? And so in the end, you can like my book and I'm thrilled. That I want, I'm a human being. I want people to read it. I want them to get something from it. But at the end of the day, I want them to do the work. because it is their book and that's what drives me. And in fact, just as a very quick aside, I've started a second book on the very, similar issues, but they'll be different, but the similar ilk, it'll be a surrounding stories, ideas, and there will be work. Because if you wanna be a good to great leader, it takes work. It's not a natural. Some things are easier, but if you really want to be the best you can be as a professional or as a leader, it takes work. And that's why I love that quote. And it's about responsibility. It is. It's,

David Kong 37:53

yeah. We have the take charge of ourselves. Yeah. Very much enjoy that. I understand. There's an audio version of the book

Lalia Rach 37:59

coming out? Oh gosh, thank you. Yes. The Kindle version just came out about a week ago, and I did the taping. I had a number of people tell me as they read it, they could hear my voice in their head, and I decided it would be appropriate for me to tape it. And it'll be out the end of September, the beginning of October. Audible.

David Kong 38:18

That's wonderful. Yeah, but the best thing. About the book is the workbook, the plan that we make for ourselves later. Thanks you. Thank you so much for being with us. Such wonderful advice. So insightful and so helpful. I really appreciate being on the show. And thank

Lalia Rach 38:35

you my friend. All my best to you.

David Kong 38:37

Thank you. And to the audience, I hope you enjoyed the show. And if did, please visit us on our website, d e i advisors.org. I hope to see you there. Thank you very much. Bye.